I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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