I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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