my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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