did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Green mimosas i think yes
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
