Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
