bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
