Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
