watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
