Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
