just tell him i said nine months
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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