There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
