I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
