So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
