He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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