Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
