you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
