What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize