I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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