i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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