I need help removing her.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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