Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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