Where is the hickey?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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