Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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