Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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