I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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