Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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