I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
