a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
