At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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