Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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