I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
