FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Randomize