Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
