I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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