I heard we made out
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
how drunk are you?
Several
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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