I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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