just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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