My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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