i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
