All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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