theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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