just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
