Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
