I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
