dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize