You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
