She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
