so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
