And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
