You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
