Umm I'm too high to move.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
