I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
