Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
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