i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
