We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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