Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
