i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you didnt know i had herpes?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
