I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
