Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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