I want to have your abortion
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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