I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
cat food counts as protein by the way
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
