when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
