He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
