Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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