Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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