3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drunk is not a location!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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